Mummy Appraisal. By Buddy.

Appraisee – Mummy 

Appraiser – Buddy (14 months)

Departments – ALL


I’m generally pretty happy with your performance but I feel it’s important to document things so we both know where we stand.   And before some of the ‘little things’ turn into ‘big thing’s and we really have a problem.  It’s important for my continued development that you continue to meet and exceed objectives.

Objective 1 – Food Provision and Service:

To provide a variety of meals, snacks, drinks and breastmilk to me as and when requested

Grade ‘Less than standard’ (Needs improvement)

So let’s start with an example – breakfast this morning:  I’m bloody starving. I only woke you up twice for milk last night and then just 4 or 5 other times for a cuddle so why the hell are you looking all vacant and tired and staring at that screen in your hand instead of fixing my breakfast?

So you finally got your arse into gear and served me breakfast. And fucking brilliant. Cheerio’s. Again. Little hint – why don’t you start a rota so I’m not getting the same old shit day in, day out, otherwise it’s going to get thrown on the floor! I’m sorry Mum but I have to take the hard line now and again just so you know your boundaries. I don’t want to, but it’s for your own good.

Moving onto snacks – when you ask if I want a snack I’m thinking a Flapjack, or some Pom Bears or at the very least a twix. A snack isn’t grapes or blueberries or those shitty sugar-free wafer biscuits. Sort it out.

And on the topic of food & drink, I can see what you’re up to with your titty’s. If I pull them out I expect to have ’em there and then. Don’t fob me off with water, or worse that bloody awful soya milk in a cup. Breast is best. Surely you bloody know that woman?!? I’ll tell you when I’m ready to quit so you just carry on lobbing them out at my request.

Objective 2 – Transport:

To ferry me about to fun places in comfort and ideally luxury, at my own pace.

Grade ‘Standard’ (Just about acceptable)

So now I’m walking I don’t want to be carried anywhere. I expect you to get me ready early enough so I can potter along at my own pace. Also I hate the pushchair. For fucks sake I’m 14 months now, not 14 weeks. I will scream until I vomit should you pick me up or put me in the pushchair if I’m not up for it. Be warned.

Objective 3 – Personal Care: 

To keep me clean and dry looking flyyyyy and smelling delicious at all times

Let’s talk nappy changes. I really, really don’t like them. You know this.  I’ve been trying to drop hints for months now by screaming, thrashing, rolling about and kicking my own shit but you still keep doing it?!? I really think if you could find a way of changing my nappy while I’m still playing and moving about it would suit me much, much better?  Great stuff 👍🏻.

Other areas for discussion:

So that’s actually it for now.  I’m not an unreasonable baby and I know you work hard. But let’s be honest. I’m really small, don’t ask for much and it shouldn’t be as difficult as you make out a lot of the time.

Lets review progress in a week or so and see how you’re coming on. Keep your chin up. You’re doing very well and remember – I do love you.

(And finally please can you stop calling me ‘baby-cakes’ and ‘Mummy’s little soldier’. It’s really unprofessional and my mates take the piss something chronic)



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