Walk a mile in my (flat & boring) shoes….

I absolutely, positively adore and love my children. And they absolutely, positively adore and love me back.
But, and this is a big But. I don’t adore and love being a Mum and I definitely don’t love and adore being a Single Mum.
It’s a huge taboo to talk about how utterly suffocating being a Mum can be. There are no self-help books to help mums cope with the loss of freedom and identity and even your closest friends are unlikely to ever admit if they do feel like this.
The older generation in Tesco will incessantly talk about how our little ones are ‘no trouble’ and ‘how lucky’ we are and ‘what a blessing’ children are and lately how as a Single Mum I’m ‘the winner’ but I’m sorry, that’s not reality. It’s not my sticky, screamy, relentlessly repetitive carousel of reality anyway.
Even before becoming a Single Mum I felt the same. Motherhood suffocates me and sometimes I cannot breathe for the heavy weight of the physical and emotional demands being placed.
I can barely remember what I worried about or cared about before children because it is so unimportant and although the selflessness of motherhood has changed me forever and for the better, I still feel totally lost and incompetent as a Mum and I really miss the girl I used to be.
Becoming a Single Mum intensified these feelings and some days I wake up and want the bed to swallow me up. The sheer tiredness on top of the thought of the endless list of (really fucking boring) tasks that lie ahead of me over the course of the next 13 hours is both over and underwhelming at exactly the same time. I often question how being a Mum can be so utterly challenging and exhausting whilst also being so bloody boring.
I know Motherhood will improve for me as my children get slightly older. In my head the thought of being a Mum to me was always helping with homework, cinema trips, lunch dates, park days, horse-riding, swimming lessons, Saturday night movie and family Sunday lunches. Although the thought of doing all of that alone, probably isn’t quite going to be as idealistic as I imagined.
The baby bit has definitely been more enjoyable second time round but as this coincided with becoming a Single Mum it has tainted it somewhat and although I wish I could bottle the scent of the baby’s head, I will genuinely be glad to say goodbye baby and hello crazy toddler very soon.
I know I sound ungrateful. But I’m just being honest. Don’t judge until you’ve walked a mile (or maybe a 13 hour double ‘day shift’ plus a baby all nighter shift, in my (boring & flat) shoes. It doesn’t make me a better or worse parent than anyone else for admitting how I feel – I’m doing all I can to muddle through and do my best (as are we all) and I don’t think I deserve a medal for doing what I do.
Actually, that’s not true. We ALL deserve a medal and a really massive gin (daily).

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2 thoughts on “Walk a mile in my (flat & boring) shoes….

  1. You are not alone! It is so refreshing to read and hear someone who feels the same!! I have been a single mum for 5 yrs now to 2 very energetic boys, and I’m exhausted! Every day is the same, school runs,housework, washing till it’s coming out my ears, work to pay the endless bills and the battle of bedtime…everyday….I’m tired and bored! Like you I love them to the moon and back, but sometimes,just sometimes I want some life back please…..just a yoga class or a poo on my own!
    Keep going,you are amazing and awesome as all single mums are, and one day our hard work will be rewarded with Gin on prescription!.x

    Like

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