I predict the future of our children’s favourite TV characters…..

Peppa Pig (Peppa Pig) – the precocious little shit needs a big, firm NO sometimes and the odd Time Out. Mummy & Daddy Pig will be sorry in a few years time when Peppa is inevitably bunking off school to smoke fags, drink cider and get off with Danny Dog behind Mrs Rabbit’s shop.

Norman Price (Fireman Sam) – this obnoxious little moron will be in borstal by the time he’s 13.  Most likely he’ll discover his Dad was Fireman Sam (who won’t want to know him) and he’ll go on a brutal rampage murdering his long-suffering Mam and her lover Trevor when he finally catches them ‘doing it’ in the store room of her shop.
Ben Elf  (Ben & Holly) – he will continue to deny his sexual orientation through his late teens until finally he cannot bear it any longer and finally signs up to Grindr and throws himself into ‘the scene’. He ends up selling legal-highs to fund his party lifestyle after Mr & Mrs Elf cut him off because they sadly can’t accept his lifestyle choice.
Princess Holly (Ben & Holly) – Holly gets up the duff by Barnaby at age 12 and the baby is whisked away from her and brought up by Nanny Plum and her life partner Mrs Fotheringill who have longed for a child for years.  King & Queen Thistle cut Holly’s hair (& allowance) and put her on a strict curfew. She does phenomenonally well with her studies and becomes a hugely successful Fairy Lawyer who is one of the leaders of the movement to introduce Fairies & Elves into ‘mainstream’ living with equal rights to the big people.

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